|
SYMPTOM |
CAUSE |
CORRECTIVE ACTION |
|
Feet cold and wet |
Glass Being held at incorrect angle. |
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling |
|
Feet warm and wet |
Improper Bladder Control |
! Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training |
|
Beer unusually pale and tasteless |
a. Glass empty. b. You’re holding a Coors Lite |
Get someone to buy you another beer |
|
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights |
You have fallen over backward. |
Have yourself leashed to bar |
|
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes |
You have fallen forward |
See above |
|
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet |
a. Mouth not open b. Glass applied to wrong part of face |
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror |
|
Floor Blurred |
You are looking through bottom of empty glass |
Get someone to buy you another beer |
|
Floor moving |
You are being carried out |
Find out if you are being taken to another bar |
|
Room seems unusually dark |
Bar has closed |
Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run |
|
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures |
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations |
Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside |
|
Everyone looks up to you and smiles |
You are dancing on the table |
Fall on someone cushy-looking |
|
Beer is crystal-clear |
It’s water! Somebody is trying to sober you up |
Punch him |
|
People are standing around urinals, talking! or putting on makeup |
You’re in the ladies’ room |
Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional) |
|
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear |
You have been in a fight |
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them |
|
Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in |
You’ve wandered into the wrong party |
See if they have free beer |
|
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk |
a. You’re in jail b. You’re in the navy |
Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don’t talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach |
|
You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps |
You’re in a gay bar |
Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs |
|
Your singing sounds distorted |
The beer is too weak |
Have more beer until your voice improves |
|
Don’t remember the words to the song |
Beer is just right |
Play air guitar |