Received this gem in an email being forwarded

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Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.
I just couldn’t help but send this along. Too funny.

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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far!

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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

That’ll teach’m to be dropouts!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is….
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
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Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!

As most people may (or may not) know. I’m doing the Oxfam 100km walk. We need to raise $2,500 to donate to Oxfam to take part, plus our entry fees.

Thanks to a lot of people we have $870 at this time, which is fantastic, but only 35% of the way there! Since I have a few cool toys I no longer need, I’ve decided to sell a few things here on my blog. I’m using my blog because other sites like trademe will a) take a cut of the proceeds and b) you can deposit the money right onto our Oxfam account and i post it to you, and I have a fairly high technical/Linux following who will be more inclined to want it.

So to start it off, Im selling this AS NEW Linux Keyboard. Its a standard decent keyboard with low profile keys. The standard Windows key is non-existant and has been replaced with a Tux Key. Other than that its fairly average.

I was given this by a visiting person from Zareason who make and sell these along with other Linux specific hardware. I opened it, tried it, then never actually used it. If i can find the mouse I will throw that in as well (though its just a normal mouse). You can view the keyboard specs and more pics here http://www.zareason.com/shop/product.php?productid=16206&cat=251&page=1

So please place your best bid in the comments. You can make as many as you want and fight it out. Bidding stops when the  nobody has bid for more than 2 days or when the trailwalker starts early April (in which case i hope like heck you pay!).

As a child, i grew up in a normal New Zealand school (several actually!) , the one thing we really hated doing drawing was the new zealand flag.

First you had to get blue paper, or colour the whole damned thing blue (which took HOURS), Then do a square of some sort on the top left and do your cross inside that. Then once you had that you put the diagonal lines through the cross. It was about then you realized the flag actually has white lines either side of the cross and they are already coloured in so you would madly try and get that in. Then you had to try and guess where the stars went and if it was NZ that had 5, or Australia? and how come Australia have a 5th star? are we abnormal ? can we not count ? does this make them better than us?

Eventually we would end up with something that looked like this

Not so pretty huh? but now apparently we have a Maori flag, to be honest most people in NZ are not Maori, and that’s just as hard to draw!

So now there is suggestion that we have a whole NEW flag, at which point i thought AHHH!!! BRILLIANT!

Now we can be like overseas flags, using just 3 stripes (only 3 crayons and a ruler required!!), or even like the Japanese with a large round polka dot (looks like somebody head butted it!).

I have to say, even Switzerland have a brilliant flag, which is easy to draw, even if it does get mistaken for a first aid stop!

If we decide on using the Union Jack again maybe we can simplify it. Stripes seems to be a fairly common theme according to wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gallery_of_striped_flags

so I’ve come up with a few ideas of my own. All are simple and easy to draw, I have tried to make them as Modern as possible, and they should appeal to Maori and White New Zealanders and really anyone online. The best one I believe is the more simple one. Easy for kids to draw, easy for anyone to identify with because im sure EVERYONE has felt this way before.

What is it you ask?

Post your ideas in the comments – including pics!

ps. This is said in humour, entirely in jest. No offence is meant to anyone.

An older couple at an art exhibition were staring at a painting that
had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park
bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a
pink penis.
They asked the curator of the gallery for an interpretation.He explained how it represented the sexual emasculation of African-Canadians in predominately white, patriarchal society.
“In fact,” he pointed out,”some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.

After the curator left, a man with a noticeable maritime accent approached the couple and said, “Would yous’ like to know what the painting is really all about?”

The couple looked at the man with some degree of suspicion……
How & why” asked the couple, ”could you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of this gallery?”
“Because I’m the guy who painted it,” he replied. “In fact, there’s no African-Americans shown here at all.
They’re just three Cape Breton coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch

After moving to Cambridge just over a year ago, ive not made a huge amount of friends. One of the friends i made was a cat breeder whom i bought some books off on trademe.

I bought an ex breeding cat who had not been the best of breeders, i paid a decent amount of $150 for her which was fine. We loved her so much and decided that when our older cat died we would replace her with one of my friends kittens.

In the past year my friend decided she wanted to move her website to my server for hosting. Being a friend i gave her $5 a month hosting and went out of my way to go over to her house and set up her computer to work.

I even set her up a new website using a CMS and spent a good few hours on it, she however decided that she wanted to stick with her old frames version, centered, with lots of italics and MS Comic (which is fine, i can live with that).

When she messed something up on her website that made links in her frames work, she blamed it on my server. When i rebooted the server, for 5 seconds her webpage was down (literally, its a VPS) she complained and said she wanted a refund on hosting and to move it elsewhere and made a huge deal about it … she never did.

Finally my older kitty had to be put down, and i asked about a new kitten. She said she would give me a discount because i had done the same for her. When she had kittens she said ‘oh lets stick with the $500 i charge everyone else’. I can live with that. The kitten was ready right before  i knew i was going to be away for 2 weeks in wellington so I asked as a friend could she keep it an extra couple of weeks.  I thought it was not cool to take a new kitten then leave it by itself alone only with my other cat who didn’t know it for a couple of weeks. Since my friend had reneged on ‘mates rates’ on everything else, and often offered to look after my other cat when i had gone away (though id never taken her up on it), i figured it wouldnt be a huge thing.

Today i went to her house to see the kitten. She tells me its ready tomorrow, and suddenly decided that i should pay her $2.50 per day to look after it for the next couple of weeks.  Since I wasn’t going to pick it up for a couple more weeks, I had only paid $300 of the $500. I need to either come up with $200 by tomorrow, or $2.50 per day for the next 2.5 weeks or until i can pay for it.

I’ve decided that there’s no way I’m paying $17.50 a week for a kitten to be looked after, even catteries are cheaper than that. However I am going away to Wellington for a couple of weeks, and i’m on the bones of my butt trying to pay for extras relating to that. So yeah, bit of a bombshell, and im really not happy about it all. I very much doubt at this stage ill get any money back if i decide not to go through with taking the kitten and getting another elsewhere.

I guess we will just have to extend loans or something and have my oldest son look after it whilst im away.

ps. I do not want advice or opinion much here, im just letting of steam and pissed. Friendship will be pretty much terminated in this case.